I didn't realize how much time I have actually lost until I looked forward to the dwindling weeks until graduation. I have spent hours in illness due to flue, colds, or any other bug that decided to attack me. Those hours served to take away my willingness to pray, fast, and attend Mass. My resolutions to strengthen my prayer life were severely torn apart... but I chose to tag illness as the culprit. Truth is that my own will and my own heart has hardened once again into a rotting pile of sluggish maggots. I use such a strange metaphor to relate my disgust at myself and at my decisions. I have spend my whole life fighting against time and yearning for more sleep or hours to play. I once read excerpts from a book about St. Don Bosco in Adoration, where he actively decided to sleep a maximum of 5 hours each night in order to dedicate more time to God. That really struck me! I find myself using my daylight hours for things of no consequence rather than immersing my every action, thought, and emotion in the endless mercy and love of my wonderful Savior! What have I been doing to myself? I continue to fight against my weaknesses, but do so with such frailty that I am once again duped into flirting with Sloth and Gluttony. Why do those sins seem to go together so well? It's the good ole' parasympathetic nervous system! Aye!
This past weekend I was given the opportunity to reflect in silence and prayer during retreat. Well it might have not been much silence, but enough for me to recognize the sins that I had been refusing to face. What I lack is discipline! I used to think of myself as a child that never went thought the teenage stage of rebellion, but alas, I am still going through it! I refuse to be confined to a calendar or schedule book. My heart yearns for independence and youth, not found in routine and order! But, without discipline, I am a wandering lamb about to peek into the lion's lair. What am I doing to myself? Yesenia, snap out of it now, deary! I think that my lack of discipline is making my heart less and less charitable since I am constantly overwhelmed with new duties and lost time to procrastination and rebellion. I am no longer a child, but a young adult of age 22. I am about to receive my degree and start working in the world, so how am I to live without direction and order. Do I fear obedience? Am I not fit to enter religious life? I may not be fit if I constantly allow myself to drain any kind of love that I may have for prayer and order! Aye! Santa Maria, ora por mi, una pecadora...
Easter Vigil is tonight, but I am stuck here at work, locked inside the doors of Perinatal Research within Labor and Delivery. I was supposed to work a double shift today, but I only showed up for my 2nd one because I happened to have forgotten due to a lack of scheduling skills. I didn't even put into my phone calendar, which is what I normally do. *sigh* I love the Easter Vigil... It is so beautiful, solemn, and awakening. I can't wait to sing songs about the resurrection and cry out Alleluia with a joyful heart! I love my faith because of it's wonderful ways to make us look into ourselves and reevaluate our path in life.
So now the question that I must face is: Am I following Christ the way He intended me to do so?
Surrender, Yesenia ... let it go. I invite you to do the same. Order your life around Christ, rid yourself of any distraction or attachments blinding you to His light, and let your will die so that you may live in God's will.