Saturday, March 22, 2008

Easter Reflection

Three months have gone by, but I have felt as if I were floating through or walking in slow motion while time zoomed by me.  

I didn't realize how much time I have actually lost until I looked forward to the dwindling weeks until graduation.  I have spent hours in illness due to flue, colds, or any other bug that decided to attack me.  Those hours served to take away my willingness to pray, fast, and attend Mass.  My resolutions to strengthen my prayer life were severely torn apart... but I chose to tag illness as the culprit.  Truth is that my own will and my own heart has hardened once again into a rotting pile of sluggish maggots.  I use such a strange metaphor to relate my disgust at myself and at my decisions.  I have spend my whole life fighting against time and yearning for more sleep or hours to play.  I once read excerpts from a book about St. Don Bosco in Adoration, where he actively decided to sleep a maximum of 5 hours each night in order to dedicate more time to God.  That really struck me!  I find myself using my daylight hours for things of no consequence rather than immersing my every action, thought, and emotion in the endless mercy and love of my wonderful Savior!  What have I been doing to myself?  I continue to fight against my weaknesses, but do so with such frailty that I am once again duped into flirting with Sloth and Gluttony.  Why do those sins seem to go together so well?  It's the good ole' parasympathetic nervous system!  Aye!

This past weekend I was given the opportunity to reflect in silence and prayer during retreat.  Well it might have not been much silence, but enough for me to recognize the sins that I had been refusing to face.  What I lack is discipline!  I used to think of myself as a child that never went thought the teenage stage of rebellion, but alas, I am still going through it!  I refuse to be confined to a calendar or schedule book.  My heart yearns for independence and youth, not found in routine and order!  But, without discipline, I am a wandering lamb about to peek into the lion's lair.  What am I doing to myself?  Yesenia, snap out of it now, deary!  I think that my lack of discipline is making my heart less and less charitable since I am constantly overwhelmed with new duties and lost time to procrastination and rebellion.  I am no longer a child, but a young adult of age 22.  I am about to receive my degree and start working in the world, so how am I to live without direction and order.  Do I fear obedience?  Am I not fit to enter religious life?  I may not be fit if I constantly allow myself to drain any kind of love that I may have for prayer and order!  Aye!  Santa Maria, ora por mi, una pecadora...  

Easter Vigil is tonight, but I am stuck here at work, locked inside the doors of Perinatal Research within Labor and Delivery.  I was supposed to work a double shift today, but I only showed up for my 2nd one because I happened to have forgotten due to a lack of scheduling skills.  I didn't even put into my phone calendar, which is what I normally do.  *sigh*  I love the Easter Vigil... It is so beautiful, solemn, and awakening.  I can't wait to sing songs about the resurrection and cry out Alleluia with a joyful heart!  I love my faith because of it's wonderful ways to make us look into ourselves and reevaluate our path in life.  

So now the question that I must face is:  Am I following Christ the way He intended me to do so?  

Surrender, Yesenia ... let it go.  I invite you to do the same.  Order your life around Christ, rid yourself of any distraction or attachments blinding you to His light, and let your will die so that you may live in God's will.  

Friday, December 7, 2007

Shut Yo' Mouth and Listen!

This is going to be a quick post.

I should be writing my essay and studying for my last final, but I couldn't help start my blog!  Yes... irresponsibility and procrastination are my worst imperfections.

I have been discerning for four years and am ready to move forward.  Discerning what you may ask?  Like any good Catholic, I have been discerning whether God is calling me to Religious life as a consecrated sister or nun.  Isn't a consecrated sister a nun?  Well technically, a nun is cloistered and a consecrated sister is one who is working in the world as a missionary, teacher, 

Well I heard my call last year.  What did it take?  It took God just slapping me in the face and getting me to pay attention to the many ways He was talking to me.  I was so humbled and touched to know that God did want me to enter a religious community and continue my discernment there.  I started to tear up and praise God for this opportunity.  The only problem now is graduating, paying off my debts, and finding the order that I want to enter.  That takes more listening to God's whispers.  In a world where we always have our headphones in our ears, the news on t.v., or a random song in our head, it's rather difficult to listen to these whispers.  Also with so much to do, we forget to pray!  I haven't been good at keeping my weekly Holy Hours.  I need to work on separating deliberate prayer time.  We can make everything a prayer, yes, but we need to honor God in a special way every day!

More later...